carboxylic acid

Friday, January 23, 2009

moved.

won't be deleting this blog, but won't be updating it.

so see ya'll over there (:

Labels: gone

1:23 AM

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

inauguration of barack obama.

it's truly amazing to see the impact of the appointment of the first African-American president in the US.
not having been to the US and having first-hand experience of the strong black and white divide they used to have and may still have slightly, simply watching the inauguration and all the following programmes on CNN changed my perspective of things.

i remember my literature text back in my secondary school days a few years back where i first read of the colour bar and even the rich-poor divide, and it all seemed so distant to me then, but now, i can understand it fully.

i guess i'm very thankful to be able to live in singapore where there's racial harmony and diversity, or at least not to the extent that i've read in my lit text.

furthermore, this occasion has provided evidence of the increasing open-mindedness of the people today, especially the youths which i believe is a good thing.
and i believe that it was possible because of the greater exposure and increased interaction between people of different races, nationality and beliefs, especially for students in universities and colleges.

all i want to say is that i'm happy that there is growing acceptance and acknowledgement of the varying races and cultures. hopefully this would continue to create a more peaceful world and harmonious environment for us all. (:

Labels: reflections

12:37 PM

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

myraid of emotions.

for the earlier part of the day, while at home, i was feeling really relaxed and focused.

on board the bus while on the way for tuition, i feel slightly happy and excited.

when i was reaching the place, i thought of God. and how much i really miss Him.

at the end of tuition, i felt achieved. a little comforted, and happy to hear that the kids like me.

on the way home, i felt tired and lonely. and really cold since i was having flu and the buses were so cold.

at home, i felt irritated. but i felt happy again after.

later at night, i really felt pissed. then i felt better again, but still irritated.

seriously, i'm having a major pms.
other than that, it also explains you so well :
you're obscure.

sometimes i really want to give up trying to understand you, but at times like these, you give me hope.

at other times, i feel that you're just using me.
but certain things you do just me feel all the emotions flooding back again.

i can't believe i'm feeling super low and yet happy simultaneously.
evidence that my heart's really breaking down.
it can't take it anymore, neither can my brain.
it's times like these that crying to sleep helps alot. even though i have no idea what i'm crying for, the tears just come naturally. and the fact that i don't cry alot makes it even weirder.

what's with all these crap when nothing's happening.
why do i like to think so much, and fool myself.
yet knowing this fact, i continue to deceive myself.

life's complicated.
or am i the one making it so?

job hunting with a few of the girls tml at clarke quay.
i'm wondering if i can work while having tuition class.
i just need more work, more work, more work.
at least it helps by taking my mind off things.

talking about work.
when i put in so much effort, sometimes it just feels that it's all gone down the drain.
now i can understand how difficult it is to be a teacher.
just feel kinda hurt and pissed.

anyhow, whoever's going to be at clarke quay tomorrow afternoon, sms me.
i don't mind meeting friends since i'm so free now.
besides, i'd rather be with people than alone and start thinking again.

and once again, i'm going to say it.
you're obscure.

Labels: life, random, you

1:06 AM

Sunday, January 18, 2009

busy busy day.

morning
went to the library to return the many books and magazines.
should have just left mum to do it because it caused me to be late for training today.
hmm, and training was as usual tiring.
sometimes i just really feel like not going for trainings anymore because basically only 3 of us are there and i just really can't catch up with their training la. rowing's still alright, but before that it's really tough work. haiz, it's so confusing at times.
on one hand, i have my mum who doesn't like me going for more trainings, fearing about my physique. at the same time, i'm thinking that i really can't catch up with them, because i'm really too weak already.
on the other, i think about how it will be able to discipline me to keep fit and i get to continue rowing.
so which way should i go?

afternoon
after training, rushed off to east coast park for the sandcastle job audition thingy. it was fun, but tiring as well. had to sit on the sand alot cos i could feel my muscles cramping. and as a result from the entire day under the sun, i'm burnt.
but i truly got to experience the sun, sand and sea eh. haha!
met a few nice people, and got the job to tue's event.
right now, i'm thinking of whether i should have tuition on that day after that.
because i'll have to walk super duper far for the shower, and find my way to the rather uluated place. hmmm.

night
was supposed to have dinner and chill with caro and the gang but decided not to, fortunately, because i would be very late and i had no bathing facilities and i wouldn't want to stink at clarke quay, haha.
well, sort of enjoyed the night at home relaxing abit. so it was still all good.

in the meantime, i still can't understand how i am able to speak gibberish all the time, it's making me afraid of talking, really.
but i guess i really can't avoid it, or i'll be some isolated person, worse than a loner.
oh wells.

and as for tml,
i guess it's family day!
or rather parents and me day.
well, it's something that i still enjoy doing and appreciate.
and we're going to get the new induction steamboat thingy for chinese new year!
yayness, finally can have steamboat at home again.
it's so much more comfortable and easier to handle than outside lor, haha.
and travelling using the public transport with my mum is kinda fun too, i just enjoy hanging out with my parents. i guess i could call this good fortune for my great family :D

i guess what goes up must come down too.
i just don't understand how...nvm.

Labels: family, life, you

12:47 AM

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

L-O-V-E

since i have the opportunity to be alone at home, without distractions and whatnots, i just wanted to continue talking about this topic which i started some time back.
as usual, i'll be focusing on the relationship part.

recently when the holidays started and major exams ended, people around me just suddenly started getting attached and so on. some expected, and a few rather unexpected. whichever the case, i'm glad for them but it just got me thinking, again.

having seen situations around me, and based on my analysis, i still cannot fully define that word exactly. my parents tried to explain it, but they said that it's based more on the feelings and can't be easily described. just as i thought so.

meanwhile, relationships are also so difficult to maintain.
it is somewhat like maintaining a friendship, which i suck at doing, where you have to invest the time and effort as much as you can.
but it is also somewhat different because there's more that is expected out of it, why else is it called a relationship and not a friendship.
and this is where i'm totally clueless, and a little confused.
you see, basically i treat my friendships as though they were my family members, so it all seems like the same to me. so i can't really understand/see the difference.
moreover, hearing and seeing the ups and downs of my family and friends who are in a relationship, it makes me scared of it.

because somehow,
one can never be understanding enough.
one can never be thoughful enough.
one can never sacrifice enough.
one can never be good enough.

and thinking about myself, as a person who is already lacking social skills and being very imperfect,what makes me think that i can even start a relationship right?

and when you show that you care,
sometimes you care too much.
sometimes you call too often.
sometimes you intrude too much.
sometimes you appear too clingy.
sometimes you appear fake.

i can't understand it.
it's really so difficult to understand the human anatomy, especially the brain.

and when i further delve into the analysis,
i start thinking about motives and objectives.
different people have different opinions, so how and when do you know what one really means?

but back to the topic, relationships.
then when i witness the breaking up and getting together part of the process, it confuses me even more.
and then i start to think of my parents and really admire their ability to keep on going for so long, and i know that they'll continue on even longer but what i'm saying is that it makes me all the more confused when i put the two situations together and try to piece them.

i'm not making sense here am i?
alright, nvm.
i just wanted to say that
love is something that is different for every individual and every couple.
relationships are difficult to maintain, but it is still achievable.
there will inevitably be tough times, but remember that there will also be great times.
i'm really not sure if true love still exists in today's context, but i'm hopeful that it still does.
afterall, who doesn't need love -- in any form?
yet you may also say that love is a double-edged sword, because sometimes it backfires.

which is what i'm really afraid of too, because sometimes when you express yourself too openly, things may happen. and it has two endings -- for the better, or for the worse.

to go on living in the dark, and possibly in regret?
or to take a risk and hope for the best?

you know, i think sometimes it's simply my fear of the worst-case scenario happening that made me so afraid, so confused of doing anything.

possibly also because i believe that girls shouldn't be the ones taking the initiative right?
like the correct way is the opposite.
and when it does happen, then at least you know how the other party feels.
isn't it so much easier if i can read minds.
though on the other hand, it may not exactly be a good thing all the time because then you intrude into others' privacy and know too much.

but seriously,
am i really as naive and dumb at this as everyone says i am?

am i even supposed to think about this now?

i'm feeling so so so confused, and lost.
i'm glad to have guidance and advice from my friends, but what i really need is to know what you're thinking.

i can tell you for now that 70% of me feels that it was all just my own make-belief.
as ivy told me,
"when you like somebody, you'll tend to look out for their every action/behavior. so sometimes it may just be their innocent actions".

and that just makes me feel even more terrible.

and i thought that i could be strong enough.
but know that i'll always be there for you, which you won't even know because you wouldn't know it's you.
how ironic.

Labels: life, reflections, you

12:21 PM

Monday, January 12, 2009

anticipating tml... [/edited]

right now, and tml morning, i know i'll be feeling like

but i'm hoping the result would be

so yup.
i'm super nervous because i've never done an actual official interview before, not that i felt so. i remebered the last time during my o level break, i did it with celeste so it wasn't that bad.
tml, it's gonna be just me.
alone in the interview room with ppl i don't know, but are going to be very professional and executive.
i'm glad that at least my mum will be going with me, because it's super close to her working place.
haha, it's weird because it's like i'm going to work with her.
and if i do get the job, i'll have lunch buddies!
because i can join her and her lunch partners too, heh.
and the journey back and forth, it's going to be fun!
but that is if i can get the job,
which i really want.
although i'm not exactly sure what the job scope will be like, i'm hoping that at least i'll get the job to gain more experience and exposure to the working world.
and i know that i'll definitely learn alot from there.

on the other hand, i have other matters on my mind -- to say or not to say.

i have two camps of friends supporting opposing views, so i'm pretty much confused myself.

2 views, but 3 different scenarios, it's complicated man.

if i say, either things will change drastically and i'll even lose the friendship. or things will remain more or less the same just that i'll be more relieved, though it might also be rather awkward.

if i don't say, everything will be the same, just that as sherilyn says, i'll live with regret not saying it.

but somehow i feel that the time isn't right yet, because i'm getting mixed signals. besides, it could just well be my own wild imagination. i'm really not good at this am i? and i really can't afford to lose the friendship, because it's rare to find someone who really has similar ideals of life as you do right. but sometimes i think to myself, am i creating the person to my own make-belief? or maybe there is some part of that person that i don't know, which i'm sure there will be. but it's like so close yet so far kinda thing you know.

actually, when do you know how much you know of a person? like even between close friends, there will more or less be some private things that you don't tell each other. and i believe that every person has their own secret, even if it's just one deep dark one.

but you see, i'm a girl. what i think might be different for others, so i really don't know. research always like to show that girls sometimes think too sophisticatedly, or in simple terms, think too much. which i think is quite true for me, so yah who knows. all this crap might just be created out of plain imagination. like creating a perfect person, your ideal, when actually that person does not fit that persona.

oh wells, i shall continue to ponder about this till thursday when i meet up with the girls and we can chat the night away, haha!

some quotes from a friend which i find so true: if you like somebody, you'll always be on a lookout of his actions. so i wouldn't know if it's his innocent actions or really something more. that is totally what i'm thinking now, that's why...

and now i do realise that quite a few people read my blog which i didn't know before, it's so weird. but at least now i know and it's fun. so HI IVY! haha.

right, enough of analysing-people talk.

i shall have an early night today and mentally prepare myself for tml.

and to ly and jas, i'll bring the cookies IF i'm gg. note the emphasis on the word 'if', haha.

and sher and ll, don't worry. i'll have enough for thur! can't wait,can't wait,can't wait. but i'm not looking forward to the photo taking part though. can i just be the photograher instead? haha.

Labels: life, reflections, work, you

10:20 PM

Sunday, January 11, 2009

baking day.

well, good time spent today with my parents, more so with my mum since we were baking together, as illustrated by the photo below, heh.

anyhow, if i'm going to the school's open house and you're going too, you might get to try the cookies that i'll be bringing! but do pardon me if it's not to your liking because i don't exactly know how to cook/bake, haha.

didn't get to take any photos of my cookies and all but i found one resembling my chocolate chip ones, so here goes!

alright, i've been self-obsessed for the last few days, but seriously it's because i have no idea what's going on outside my house nowadays.

even if i were to start working, it'll be pretty much home, work, home, work that's it.

oh wells, i'm that not exposed to the world yet.

pathetic right, i know.

but i'll learn (;

and yes, school's starting for some tml.
poor new j2s, they're already feeling the stress before school even begins.
i know, training and school work is challenging to balance, but try yeah.
if i survived, i'm sure you can too!
though i'm not really sure about the results.
but at least we've put in our best, so that's all that matters yeah!
so jiayou juniors!

coming to think about it, i'd rather have school.
at least i have something to look forward to everyday.
and it helps to take my mind off things.
and if i were still in school, i'd still have friends to chat with!
at least i'll get to see them face to face.
plus there'll still be the student concession, hah!

on the other hand, i'm kinda glad that i actually do have this extra time on my hands.
because this way, i get to spend more time with my family.
as i'm always told, "you'll never know what happens in the future, even tomorrow."
so i'd rather treasure all the time remaining spending it with my loved ones.

main disincentive is the weight gain.
and the lack of finances.

oh wells,
to all who keep saying that i don't eat proper meals,
really, i eat ALOT.
it's just that you all don't see me eating when i do.
the best proof would be the excessive weight gain.
sometimes even i myself don't believe that i'm that heavy now,
but it's reality.
and it makes me feel worse.
so please don't encourage me to eat more,
because it'll simply cause me more harm.
thanks (:

i think i have to make a mental note to myself everyday of my weight, then it can serve as a motivation to eat less. arh...

some people are just so fortunate to have good genes to eat alot but still not gain weight.

oh wells,
as quoted from jasmine,
'life is unfair, just look at your fingers."

Labels: family, life, reflections

10:28 PM